


Torn Away

by hawkster55



Series: ace!Fjord [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Episode Related, Fjord (Critical Role) Has Issues, Molly is mentioned wistfully, ace!Fjord, episode 37
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 12:30:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16475612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkster55/pseuds/hawkster55
Summary: Everything in Fjord's life at the moment is impermanent and it's getting really hard to tell what to believe. A look at the scene after he visits Avantika's room in episode 37, and the complete inner turmoil I imagine in that conversation.





	Torn Away

**Author's Note:**

> This is part two of my ace!Fjord headcanon series, although not much happens in the first other than Molly being bae. All you really need to know is that after the Ireena incident in episode 24, Molly and Fjord have a heart-to-heart where Molly explains the concept of asexuality to Fjord very vaguely.
> 
> I don't really like the start and end of this fic but I didn't know how to smooth it out so here it is. Hope you enjoy it anyway!

“To consume,” Avantika says, her eyes locked on his, and Fjord is acutely aware of the sweat dripping down the back of his neck. He blurts out something to placate her, something suitably enthusiastic, and then she’s stepping around the desk towards him with her hand outstretched. It takes all of Fjord’s self-control not to flinch back when she places her fingers on the hilt of the sword in his hand and leans in towards him.

“You’ll need your rest,” she murmurs.

“Indeed,” Fjord says quickly, nodding and stepping back from her. “We will all need our rest for the trials to come. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I don’t feel quite as alone in this.” He’s got nothing if not manners, anyway, and she has been incredibly enlightening recently. He just wishes that finally learning something about his powers didn’t have to be so tangled in… this.

“Thank you for your honesty, eventually,” she smirks at him, eyes glinting in the moonlight.

“It’s like an onion, you got to peel it, you know,” he laughs to break the tension. He doesn’t have the capacity to feel bad about it.

“Understood. Anyway, go. And may sweet dreams find you.” He leaves as quickly as he can and then stops, pausing in the doorway. He wants to say something, anything that might make her realise that he’s not playing the same game that she is, but he doesn’t even know where to begin.

He misses Molly.

When he gets back to the room holding the rest of the party, he’s immediately assaulted with questions. Still dazed from his prior encounter, the only thing that cuts through is Nott offering him a distinctly off-colour banana, which he stares at in confusion while trying to collect himself. He's answering questions on auto-pilot and slowly realising how much more information he could have drawn from Avantika if he hadn't been so focussed on getting out of there. Nott and Jester are looking at him with disappointment as he stumbles through relating what he knows, and Fjord really wishes he'd had the presence of mind to get them the answers upon which their survival might hinge instead of being intimidated by an objectively attractive woman.

He doesn't know when the conversation turned but suddenly they're accusing Avantika of destroying his old ship and his friends to be rid of Vandren, and Fjord's stuck doubting the most recent aspect of his past that he thought he understood. He tries explaining what he knows but Jester's not having any of it and Fjord would really like something in his life to actually be true and tangible because he seems to be distinctly lacking in that these days. He looks desperately at Caduceus and Yasha for support, but the former appears pleasantly bemused and the latter is listening intently - to Beau. And then Caleb opens his mouth and everything gets even worse.

"After you made the flirt talk that I was watching--"

"The flirt talk?” Beau says, grinning slyly at Fjord. Fjord tries to silently communicate to her that no, there's nothing in it and he's not interested, but his protests only seem to encourage her. Caleb should know this, if he was watching - surely he saw Fjord's discomfort? It certainly felt like the loudest, most obvious thing being broadcast in the room when he was experiencing it in person.

"Oh, they were both pouring it on pretty thick," Caleb says as though he's aware of something Fjord's not and is really enjoying it.

"Well… I think we were being pretty respectful," Fjord interjects, but his protests fall on deaf ears.

"It’s a subjective thing, my friend. Anyway, she is very interested in you," Caleb says. Fjord doesn't know how to correct him when every objection he makes only seems to convince the party that he's trying to cover for himself.

Molly would know how to diffuse this. Molly, who had helped Fjord make sense of himself at a time when very little of himself made any sense. Molly, who had answered some of Fjord's questions and been taken from them before Fjord could work out what the answers meant.

There are times when Fjord wonders whether Molly's death was somehow linked to the power that grew inside him without invitation or explanation. Whether Fjord was supposed to stay questioning and blindly following until the Eye was done with him. He tries not to think about it too much.

"I have a question," Yasha says unexpectedly. "She said there was somebody before her?"

"She did," Fjord says, latching onto the question and trying to tear himself out of his thoughts. He has no idea where this is going but he's happy to run with it given the present alternatives. "She said there was one other chosen besides herself and now me."

"Did you get a closer look..." Yasha trails off, gesturing towards her neckline.

"I did, at the tattoo?"

"Did that look familiar?" She sounds odd, like she's searching for confirmation of a suspicion.

Fjord thinks hard. He's not encountered much lore about whatever higher power is calling him, so he struggles at first, but then he locks eyes with Yasha and instantly understands.

"Didn't... didn't Molly have...?" Fjord says. The rest of their eyes widen and Beau even cracks a sad, fond smile. "Did he have any tattoos that had eyes in them, like the peacock feathers?" He rubs a hand over his face and wishes, for the third time that night, that Molly were around to give him the answers he so desperately needs.

"He had nine of them," Yasha says. On the surface, she seems perfectly calm but he can see something else unidentifiable lurking in her eyes.

"I mean, he also had that all-seeing eye on his back, right?" Beau interjects.

"What?" Fjord says dumbly. There's too much to take in right now and his brain has stopped processing anything and is instead happily short-circuiting.

"Could be nothing," Yasha says, and now she looks faintly concerned for his well-being. That's not going to stop Fjord from taking the opening for what it is, though.

"Could be nothing," he agrees. They've already covered far too much ground for one conversation and he's going to need a lot of time to try and sort through everything he's learned tonight. More time than they have.

“I mean, eyeballs," Beau says, casting a glance at Fjord's demeanour and joining the attempt to wind the conversation down. "We all have two. There’s a lot of eyeballs around. I’m just saying, things have eyes."

"Yeah, right," Fjord says. He appreciates the effort even if the delivery could've used some work.

The conversation continues and Fjord allows himself to back away from the centre of it as much as he can, given it's his fault they're all here. Caleb keeps throwing in snide remarks about his relationship to Avantika, and Fjord tries his best to tune them out. Suddenly Beau's asking Jester if she's okay, which is odd in itself because this is  _Beau_. Fjord looks up to see Jester sitting in a pool of broken pencils, scribbling furiously in her notebook.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm happy over here," Jester bites out, and everyone in the room knows it's a lie. Fjord has no idea what his friend could be so angry about but she keeps casting him dark looks and he desperately tries to remember if he's done or said something wrong. The conversation continues, but Fjord keeps watching Jester for any clues. He'll have to talk to her later, try to work out what's wrong before they all get dumped on an foreign island and everything inevitably goes to shit.

"Now, Fjord," Caleb says. "If we venture into this sticky-wicket, do you share, even in a small way, this woman's desires?"

Fjord sees Jester suddenly look up from her drawings and listen intently for the answer, and he abruptly realises that Avantika is the thing on her mind. He's been trying to pretend that his relationship with Jester hasn't been taking a one-sided turn towards an actual relationship, because he doesn't want to have to confront her and risk losing her friendship. It's been simpler to pretend that she flirts with him like she flirts with everyone and that she doesn't mean anything by it, because the alternative is trying to communicate to her feelings that he doesn't even understand himself. Now, Fjord realises with a hollow feeling in his gut, she's being driven away from him by her jealousy of a woman he's not even interested in.

He has absolutely no idea how to solve any of this.

**Author's Note:**

> In other news I went to MCM London last weekend and bloody hell Critters are the best. Every time someone posts on the UK Critters Facebook I basically just cry because the messages are all so sweet and we're just a great community, y'all. Don't forget to love each other.


End file.
